WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
