I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
