hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
