hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
