uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
