So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
