what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I need moral support for this bender
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Drunk is not a location!
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