I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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