I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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