Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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