Umm I'm too high to move.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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