And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
