So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
