I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
