I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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