The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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