shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
