dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
