Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
