you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
