Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
