Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
