but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
