and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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