I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
