Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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