Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
