The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
