I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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