Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
