I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
