i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize