Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
