im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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