On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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