no you cant smoke seaweed
I queefed so loud it echoed.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
