im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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