she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Ketchup is God's man juice
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
