boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I did not marry a roomba.
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