I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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