It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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