you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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