May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
