so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
