she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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