I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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