I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
