I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Welp...herpes.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
