Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
