Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
