If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
