At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
