nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
