so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
