I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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