What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
