i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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