Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
