But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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